Discoid Lupus.

With every new spot that pops up there's worry. Is it discoid lupus? Is it a pimple? Is it a rash? These are questions that shouldn't have to be asked. We shouldn't have to worry.

One of the things I'm supposed to do is constantly wear sunscreen. But the sunscreen on my face is making it break out. Which makes me feel like my face is just ugly. Scars and pimples that everyone can see.

And long sleeves. I live in San Diego. It's now summer. And I have to wear long sleeves? Oh and I can't forget about the hat. I have to wear a hat. Because if I get discoid lupus spots on my scalp, they will scar and hair can't grow through scars. So I can lose my hair and have scars on my scalp for the rest of my life if I don't wear a hat. Great.

The fear of getting SLE lupus? That's a constant. I mentally keep track of how achey I am and when I feel that way and how tired I am. My appetite is severely lacking and it's hard to be pleasant when I'm constantly tired and achey and have no appetite except for at weird hours.

How much of a pain in the ass could I possibly be? My parents have to check my back to make sure new spots haven't come up because I can't check myself. My boyfriend and his kids can't go outside and play with me because I have to wait for the sun to go down. I can't go with them to the zoo or to the park or to something fun outside because I'm supposed to have limited sun exposure. I hate when people disappoint me. But I really hate disappointing other people.

My doctor told me that as long as I'm careful, I can lead a pretty normal life. But what's normal about constantly fearing the sun and it's UV rays because it can lead to scars on my face, neck, and scalp? What's normal about being so afraid that I feel like I have no choice but to stay inside? What's normal about wearing sunscreen everyday? What's normal about taking vitamin D supplements because I'm not getting vitamin D from the sun? There's nothing normal with discoid lupus.

Things I Like/Dislike/Worry About for Today

Things I Like

1. Starting my day off with some sort of communication from my ASHM. Doesn't matter what it is, it still makes me smile to know that he took the time to send me something.
2. When I walked downstairs this morning, I saw on the kitchen counter that my mom had bought me a new lunch bag to keep my lunch in. I thought it was really nice of her.
3. Weekends that (even though they are stressful) work out okay.
4. Making plans with my ASHM to see him more than once this week. I feel like I haven't spent much time with him at all lately. So it'd be really nice to see him a little bit more.
5. Feeling like I'm making little accomplishments with the big things I need to do.
6. The new iPhone 4G! It looks like something I'd like to get.

Things I Dislike

1. When it's slow at work. It makes the day drag on.
2. Not being inspired to knit. I have projects I'd like to finish and I just don't have the energy to do so.
3. Not having enough energy! This weekend was tiresome and a little emotional and that always wears me out. And I haven't been able to get enough sleep no matter what I do.
4. Feeling like I am so alone with this disease. Discoid lupus is just no fun.
5. Having to ask for favors. I hate inconveniencing people even if I REALLY need the favor so I can do something I NEED to do.
6. Being bummed about the fact that my ASHM and I can't go to Ink 'N Iron this year like we had planned. There's just no one to watch the kids and we'd get back too late so we're having to cancel our plans. (Although thank god we didn't buy the tickets yet.)
   

Things I'm Scared of/Worry About

1. Making my bosses irritated with me.
2. Having my ASHM irritated at me.
3. Being seriously ill.
4. Gaining weight.
5. Disappointing people/having people disappoint me.
   

There Was A Time...

There was a time, especially in high school (as it is typical for all teenagers), when I used to try my hardest to fit in. Whether it be with the clothes I wore or how acted. I used to want to fit in with those cool punk kids with their piercings and mohawks and band tees. And instead I ended up being called a "poser" or being made fun of because I wasn't punk enough.

There was also a time when I was really into metal music and I studied up on all of the up and coming hardcore and screamo bands, just hoping that maybe I'd find a group to fit in with. I was enjoying the music, and enjoying the scene, but I never really fit in.

Now I've come into a place in my life that with all my knowledge of music (which has earned me the nickname of being a "music elitist" with my knowledge and opinions) that I have sort of grown out of listening to the punk, metal, and hardcore music I used to adore. I've come into a place in my life where I want something that speaks more to me, that reaches out to me, and carries me to a place of familiarity. And to a certain extent I think I've found it. I've (for lack of a better term) stumbled upon a "new" style of music for me with psychobilly, rockabilly, and horrorpunk. And I've found a culture that I absolutely adore.

Those pretty rockabilly girls with their up dos and perfectly done makeup. Those greaser boys with their straight legged jeans and slicked back hair. That music that sounds so familiar but so different all at the same time. It's like I've found a subculture that I can fully identify with. But there's just one hitch.


Take a look at me. I mean, really, do I look like the kind of girl that listens to psychobilly and rockabilly? I go home after work and often think 'You know, I bet I could do my hair like that and have my make-up look like those pretty rockabilly girls.' I love their style and their attitude but often I think that even if I did dress like those girls and even if I did my hair like them, I still wouldn't be fooling anyone. I often think that my efforts would be wasted and I'd just seem like one of those girls that is trying too hard to be accepted and too hard to fit in.

Lord knows for once I'd like to fit in. I really would. But at this point in my life I just don't know if it's worth it to go through the effort.

I know it sounds extremely dumb, but over the past couple of days I've kind of felt like I was fitting in. And I felt this way because of Twitter of all things. There are a couple of extremely wonderful twitterers that I follow who have made me feel like I'm just a psychobilly doll like the other girls. And I've actually really loved that feeling. I've loved people following me on Twitter because of the fact that I like psychobilly/rockabilly music. I've loved people asking my advice on music.

But I don't know who I'm trying to fool. Myself? Or everyone else because it's the Internet and it's not real life.

I've Been Severely Lacking In Posts...

I haven't been blogging at all. It just seems that it has been easier to write 140 characters for an update rather than to sit down and type my little heart out. I tried writing in my moleskine and that didn't work either. I haven't been able to keep up. I'm just too busy.

I really wanted things to work out with me and my blogs. I really, truly did. But I guess these sporadic updates will just have to do.

With that being said, I don't have much to report. The summer has come and gone and I've been living in San Diego for an entire year now. Not much is different. When I moved here, I had such high hopes and expectations for a new and exciting life. And, well, there's something left to be desired.

Things with my ASHM are wonderful. And things with work are okay. But I feel like I'm not getting everything that a normal 22 year old experiences. I feel like maybe I'm missing out. I don't know what I'm missing out on, but I feel it every once and awhile. I feel this little tugging at my chest that says "Hold on. You're growing up too fast. You're not getting what you need to out of life." And that's a really sucky feeling to have especially since I don't know what to do to fix it.

It seems like everyone around me is/had their early 20's experiences and I'm just trying to catch up. I just don't know what "normal" people do in their early 20's.

Diary of A "Single" Dad's Girlfriend Part I

My Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man, Orion (our rabbit), and I.

I'm the girlfriend of a "single" dad. I put "single" in quotes because he's not exactly married (as he's getting a divorce) and he's not exactly single (as he's dating me.) You don't really hear about the girlfriends of "single" dads too often. I mainly hear about single moms & their boyfriends. But what about us girlfriends? Where do we fit in? And why is it that when it comes up in conversation (that I am the girlfriend of a "single" dad) that most people just look at me like I was the one that broke up the marriage/relationship in the first place?

You know, it is hard enough trying to make a relationship work, but add into the mix little human beings? It is hardcore. Especially for me. Not only am I an only child (so I'm all about being selfish. Cough.), but I also have no idea what to do with kids. No idea at all.

The Kids

A little background history about the history of my relationship with my boyfriend and how I came into contact with these two little ones:

I moved to San Diego in October of 2008. My boyfriend (Roger, my Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man) and I met in late November of 2008. Our meeting wasn't conventional. We met over the Internet because I was looking to meet people in the area (all of our friends & family have heard our cover story of us meeting at a Starbucks randomly) and after chatting extensively through email for a few days, we decided to meet in person. The first night we met, I was joking around & told him that I had no idea about kids and I'd probably lock one in a closet because I'd be so frustrated. Only to find out that not only did he have one kid, but he had another one. That's right, count 'em, that's two. Open mouth. Insert foot.

So regardless of my faux-pas, My ASHM still kept talking to me, and about two weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend. Awesome. I was stoked (and still am.) Here was this Californian Boy who wanted to date me. Awkward, smokin' like a chimney, loud, punk/psychobilly listenin', dramatic, over-the-top me. I knew about his kids and told him that I had no idea what to do with kids, and he said that that was okay. And that when I was ready to meet them, I could. At that point in time the kids were still living with their mom, and My ASHM saw them a couple days a week.

Fast forward to March when I've hung out with them a couple times (only for a couple hours and I still have no idea what to do/say/not do/not say). That is when this post comes into play. And our relationship world turned upside down. The kids now live with My ASHM full time. Their mom has shown up in the past four months. But she is barely a part of their lives anymore. Which really sucks.

And where do I fit in?

Well, that's what I hope to explore in this series of blog posts. I'm planning on (with My ASHM's permission) writing about what it's like being the girlfriend of a "single" dad. Talking about the ups and the downs, the great parts and the not-so great parts, the things that make me smile and the things that really bum me out, and talking about the day-to-day things that go on with our lives together.

Hope you're down for the ride.

-Britt Vicious

I've Decided to Start Blogging Again

So, I've decided to start blogging again. Mainly because I feel like I use Twitter entirely too much and Tumblr too. I'm a little too old to use LiveJournal seriously so I turn to Blogger, because that just seems like the adult thing to do.

And why didn't I write for so long? Why is it that there is a four month break between this post and the last post? Because I just didn't know if I really wanted to write anymore. I didn't know whether this would be something I'd want to do or if I just wanted to delete everything I'd written and ignore that I had ever felt that way or I had ever been through that. Sometimes it's very easy for me to ignore things until they just pass over me. I'm too much like my bio-dad in that aspect.

Regardless. I guess I feel the need to update because there is just entirely too much going on in my life for me not to. Maybe if I start writing things out again I won't feel like the world is so overwhelming. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows.

Starlight, Starbright, First Star I See Tonight...

This morning started at 9AM with a phone call from My Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man's ex, telling him she just can't handle the kids anymore.
It carried off and on until 11:40.
Where she tried just dropping them off at his house while he wasn't there and he called her on it.
Driving past her, he realized what she was doing; her douche-bag boyfriend was following in a car behind her. He tried calling her cell, telling her he needed to get his car from my house in La Jolla which is easily a 40 minute trip.
Stupid whore just dropped the kids off at his house while he wasn't there.
Just left them.
And as much as he and I argue, as many problems we have, I would never ever have done that to him. It's completely dumb.
He can't get ahold of her. She's no where to be found.
And I just want to scream. I just want to yell and hunt her down and beat the shit out of her. Because there's no reason for her not to be reasonable. And instead, she's just being selfish.

Personality, Feelings and Emotions

• How many physical fights have you been in? Do you usually start them? Why do you fight?
• Are you chirpy in the morning or are you a grouch?
• How do you typically handle trauma from a big loss, whether it is from the death of a loved one, getting fired or some other big disappiontment?
• Do you enjoy debating others?
• What are your thoughts on crying?

Favourites

• Do you remember what your favourite childhood books were?
• What is your favourite time of day?
• Do you have a favourite movie? Actor? Actress? Comedy? Drama?

Pets

• Are you allergic to animals? If your fiance was allergic to your pets, would you be willing to give them away to a good home?
• Are there any types of pets you refuse to live with (snakes, rats, stray dogs, etc.)?
• Do you feed your pets food off of your plate? How do you feel about that practice?

Attractions

• If you had problems with my personal hygiene, would you be able to tell me?
• What physical or personality trait do you think makes people first attracted to you?
• How do you feel about permanent tattoos? Why do you think most people get them?
• In what ways are you smart?
• What do you find attractive about my physical features? Is there a favourite?
• Do you fear looking older?

Health, Food and Wellbeing

• Have you ever had serious thoughts about committing suicide? What are your thoughts about those who kill themselves?
• When, if ever, was the first time you smoked a cigarette? Why did you try it? How long did you smoke? If you still smoke, have you ever seriously tried to quit?
• Are you a coupon collector? Do you sometimes get fanatical about saving money on groceries?

It's Times Like These

I might just be sick.
After all the stuff I've been through this past week with getting my finger cut & having to go to the hospital, getting a new bunny, getting my monthly, having a rough time at work... It's been a rough week. And I thought that this weekend would just brighten me up. That hanging out with Roger would make me feel excellent and more aligned.
I found out yesterday that he'd been smoking even though I thought we had an understanding that because his smoking makes me uncomfortable, that he'd talk to me about it first.
And then today I did the most stupid thing ever. I looked at his history on his computer.

We'd had a conversation a couple months ago about how it makes me feel awful when I know that he looks at porn. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough and it makes me sick to my stomach. He said if it made me uncomfortable and feel that awful that he wouldn't look at them anymore.

I looked at his history, and while it's not page after page of porn sites, there are a couple entries that make my stomach turn and make me want to hurl. I feel awful and feel like I'm not good enough and that I need to lose twenty pounds or more just to be something for him. It actually makes me so upset that I want to cry.

Goddamn I've been so emotional lately it makes me sick.

What happened to the vicious girl with fire in her eyes and a sharp tongue that could cut down anyone. Someone who didn't give a fuck and just ran with it, no matter what...

I feel less than adequate. I want him to love me and cherish me and it doesn't really seem like that is the case, no matter how hard I try. I mean, I know he loves me; he's taking care of Orion for fuck's sake. I just feel like I'm a bother and that I'm not making him happy and that he's growing sick of me and the way I do things.

I've got nothing to hide. If he finds this blog then it's not going to bother me. Only Orchid knows about this and I doubt she even reads it.

But dear god I wish I could get this pit out of my stomach and this lump out of my throat and I wish more than anything that I didn't feel so lied to... even though it was my own fault that I looked in his history anyway.

I deserve it.

I guess maybe I just try too hard and I'm a push over. Even though I never used to be that way. And Roger gets away with murder, even though he may not realize it. What boyfriend shows up an hour and a half late and thinks it's okay?

How am I going to face him for the rest of the day knowing that I'm not some skinny model bitch that he jerks off to when I'm not around? How am I going to face him with my face breaking out and wearing no make up and just being me? God, I feel sick to my stomach and I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than it really should be but he just seems so bored with me... so bored with everything. And it's like there's nothing I can do to make him happy.

"You don't see me at all."

Tell Me Life is Beautiful

Today, my Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man and I are adopting a bunny together.
I am so excited, I just might burst.
His name is Skip, but we might rename him to something else if he doesn't respond to that.
It's a big step for my boyfriend and I to get a pet together. And I'm so excited to have a new pet in my life. I've never owned a rabbit before, and I'm just so excited, I can't help but post about him everywhere.

He will be my little snuggle bunny.

Collin

I have a friend named Collin.
Collin and I have known each other since 2006.
We met through both of us working for Tower Records.
Collin now lives in Belgium.
He made me a cupcake and saved it in a jar for me.
The cupcake has now started to mold.

'Nothing Compares 2 U' will help you through a break-up

Nothing Compares 2 U by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

This song combines Sinead O'Connor's sweet song of love lost with a punky beat.

S.O.B. by The Horrorpops

If the break-up was a really awful one, this song tends to help me let out my anger about it.

Blood to Bleed by Rise Against

This song is great for me because it lets me scream everything out.

This Would Be So Easy...

It would be so easy for me to walk away from him. It should be easy for me to just walk away. However, I can't. And it drives me up the fucking wall.

I want to tell Roger that I'm sick and tired of him being late. That I'm tired of him trying to change plans last minute. That he shouldn't let our friend, Mia, dictate parts of our relationship. That if this is how things are going to be, then I'm out.

But I can't say those things to him for some reason. I can't let those words come out of my mouth.

I guess I keep expecting him to do something majorly bad. Like cheat on me. Or tell me that he doesn't really want to move in with me. Or leave me. I'm waiting for it. Because when things are good, it's like nothing I've ever felt before. But when things are bad, I just don't want to talk to him. I've been more angry this week, then I have been for the past four months or so that I've been living here.

Most of the time I just want to talk it out. I want him to see why I'm so upset. And it's like he gets it. He understands. But only for that conversation, and then he forgets. And I get upset again and he wonders why.

I'm not going to let him think it's PMS, because that's just a cop-out.

And why the fuck does it matter if I've been a little moody lately? I'm a fucking severe depressive. At least I don't want to drive into La Jolla and jump off of one of the cliffs. If I were him, I'd take me being a little moody over me being suicidal any day.

I keep making new blogs and thinking that it's going to give me more peace of mind.

I made a Live Journal, and that went public within the first couple of days of me making it. I've had it for over four years now. I don't post anything relevant, I just keep it as a space for randomly posting things or keeping my Tweets in check.

I made a Tumblr account last month. I promised myself that it would be a private space for me to vent and talk about things I can't talk about with anyone else. That failed too. It has become a place for me to randomly post pictures, quotes, and little love poems about my Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man.

So now I've moved to Blogger, even though I told myself once that I would never do so. But here I am. And I'm hoping that this can become whatever I want it to become. Instead of everything I've hoped for and not actually followed through with.