Starlight, Starbright, First Star I See Tonight...

This morning started at 9AM with a phone call from My Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man's ex, telling him she just can't handle the kids anymore.
It carried off and on until 11:40.
Where she tried just dropping them off at his house while he wasn't there and he called her on it.
Driving past her, he realized what she was doing; her douche-bag boyfriend was following in a car behind her. He tried calling her cell, telling her he needed to get his car from my house in La Jolla which is easily a 40 minute trip.
Stupid whore just dropped the kids off at his house while he wasn't there.
Just left them.
And as much as he and I argue, as many problems we have, I would never ever have done that to him. It's completely dumb.
He can't get ahold of her. She's no where to be found.
And I just want to scream. I just want to yell and hunt her down and beat the shit out of her. Because there's no reason for her not to be reasonable. And instead, she's just being selfish.

Personality, Feelings and Emotions

• How many physical fights have you been in? Do you usually start them? Why do you fight?
• Are you chirpy in the morning or are you a grouch?
• How do you typically handle trauma from a big loss, whether it is from the death of a loved one, getting fired or some other big disappiontment?
• Do you enjoy debating others?
• What are your thoughts on crying?

Favourites

• Do you remember what your favourite childhood books were?
• What is your favourite time of day?
• Do you have a favourite movie? Actor? Actress? Comedy? Drama?

Pets

• Are you allergic to animals? If your fiance was allergic to your pets, would you be willing to give them away to a good home?
• Are there any types of pets you refuse to live with (snakes, rats, stray dogs, etc.)?
• Do you feed your pets food off of your plate? How do you feel about that practice?

Attractions

• If you had problems with my personal hygiene, would you be able to tell me?
• What physical or personality trait do you think makes people first attracted to you?
• How do you feel about permanent tattoos? Why do you think most people get them?
• In what ways are you smart?
• What do you find attractive about my physical features? Is there a favourite?
• Do you fear looking older?

Health, Food and Wellbeing

• Have you ever had serious thoughts about committing suicide? What are your thoughts about those who kill themselves?
• When, if ever, was the first time you smoked a cigarette? Why did you try it? How long did you smoke? If you still smoke, have you ever seriously tried to quit?
• Are you a coupon collector? Do you sometimes get fanatical about saving money on groceries?

It's Times Like These

I might just be sick.
After all the stuff I've been through this past week with getting my finger cut & having to go to the hospital, getting a new bunny, getting my monthly, having a rough time at work... It's been a rough week. And I thought that this weekend would just brighten me up. That hanging out with Roger would make me feel excellent and more aligned.
I found out yesterday that he'd been smoking even though I thought we had an understanding that because his smoking makes me uncomfortable, that he'd talk to me about it first.
And then today I did the most stupid thing ever. I looked at his history on his computer.

We'd had a conversation a couple months ago about how it makes me feel awful when I know that he looks at porn. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough and it makes me sick to my stomach. He said if it made me uncomfortable and feel that awful that he wouldn't look at them anymore.

I looked at his history, and while it's not page after page of porn sites, there are a couple entries that make my stomach turn and make me want to hurl. I feel awful and feel like I'm not good enough and that I need to lose twenty pounds or more just to be something for him. It actually makes me so upset that I want to cry.

Goddamn I've been so emotional lately it makes me sick.

What happened to the vicious girl with fire in her eyes and a sharp tongue that could cut down anyone. Someone who didn't give a fuck and just ran with it, no matter what...

I feel less than adequate. I want him to love me and cherish me and it doesn't really seem like that is the case, no matter how hard I try. I mean, I know he loves me; he's taking care of Orion for fuck's sake. I just feel like I'm a bother and that I'm not making him happy and that he's growing sick of me and the way I do things.

I've got nothing to hide. If he finds this blog then it's not going to bother me. Only Orchid knows about this and I doubt she even reads it.

But dear god I wish I could get this pit out of my stomach and this lump out of my throat and I wish more than anything that I didn't feel so lied to... even though it was my own fault that I looked in his history anyway.

I deserve it.

I guess maybe I just try too hard and I'm a push over. Even though I never used to be that way. And Roger gets away with murder, even though he may not realize it. What boyfriend shows up an hour and a half late and thinks it's okay?

How am I going to face him for the rest of the day knowing that I'm not some skinny model bitch that he jerks off to when I'm not around? How am I going to face him with my face breaking out and wearing no make up and just being me? God, I feel sick to my stomach and I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than it really should be but he just seems so bored with me... so bored with everything. And it's like there's nothing I can do to make him happy.

"You don't see me at all."

Tell Me Life is Beautiful

Today, my Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man and I are adopting a bunny together.
I am so excited, I just might burst.
His name is Skip, but we might rename him to something else if he doesn't respond to that.
It's a big step for my boyfriend and I to get a pet together. And I'm so excited to have a new pet in my life. I've never owned a rabbit before, and I'm just so excited, I can't help but post about him everywhere.

He will be my little snuggle bunny.

Collin

I have a friend named Collin.
Collin and I have known each other since 2006.
We met through both of us working for Tower Records.
Collin now lives in Belgium.
He made me a cupcake and saved it in a jar for me.
The cupcake has now started to mold.

'Nothing Compares 2 U' will help you through a break-up

Nothing Compares 2 U by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

This song combines Sinead O'Connor's sweet song of love lost with a punky beat.

S.O.B. by The Horrorpops

If the break-up was a really awful one, this song tends to help me let out my anger about it.

Blood to Bleed by Rise Against

This song is great for me because it lets me scream everything out.

This Would Be So Easy...

It would be so easy for me to walk away from him. It should be easy for me to just walk away. However, I can't. And it drives me up the fucking wall.

I want to tell Roger that I'm sick and tired of him being late. That I'm tired of him trying to change plans last minute. That he shouldn't let our friend, Mia, dictate parts of our relationship. That if this is how things are going to be, then I'm out.

But I can't say those things to him for some reason. I can't let those words come out of my mouth.

I guess I keep expecting him to do something majorly bad. Like cheat on me. Or tell me that he doesn't really want to move in with me. Or leave me. I'm waiting for it. Because when things are good, it's like nothing I've ever felt before. But when things are bad, I just don't want to talk to him. I've been more angry this week, then I have been for the past four months or so that I've been living here.

Most of the time I just want to talk it out. I want him to see why I'm so upset. And it's like he gets it. He understands. But only for that conversation, and then he forgets. And I get upset again and he wonders why.

I'm not going to let him think it's PMS, because that's just a cop-out.

And why the fuck does it matter if I've been a little moody lately? I'm a fucking severe depressive. At least I don't want to drive into La Jolla and jump off of one of the cliffs. If I were him, I'd take me being a little moody over me being suicidal any day.

I keep making new blogs and thinking that it's going to give me more peace of mind.

I made a Live Journal, and that went public within the first couple of days of me making it. I've had it for over four years now. I don't post anything relevant, I just keep it as a space for randomly posting things or keeping my Tweets in check.

I made a Tumblr account last month. I promised myself that it would be a private space for me to vent and talk about things I can't talk about with anyone else. That failed too. It has become a place for me to randomly post pictures, quotes, and little love poems about my Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man.

So now I've moved to Blogger, even though I told myself once that I would never do so. But here I am. And I'm hoping that this can become whatever I want it to become. Instead of everything I've hoped for and not actually followed through with.