Discoid Lupus.

With every new spot that pops up there's worry. Is it discoid lupus? Is it a pimple? Is it a rash? These are questions that shouldn't have to be asked. We shouldn't have to worry.

One of the things I'm supposed to do is constantly wear sunscreen. But the sunscreen on my face is making it break out. Which makes me feel like my face is just ugly. Scars and pimples that everyone can see.

And long sleeves. I live in San Diego. It's now summer. And I have to wear long sleeves? Oh and I can't forget about the hat. I have to wear a hat. Because if I get discoid lupus spots on my scalp, they will scar and hair can't grow through scars. So I can lose my hair and have scars on my scalp for the rest of my life if I don't wear a hat. Great.

The fear of getting SLE lupus? That's a constant. I mentally keep track of how achey I am and when I feel that way and how tired I am. My appetite is severely lacking and it's hard to be pleasant when I'm constantly tired and achey and have no appetite except for at weird hours.

How much of a pain in the ass could I possibly be? My parents have to check my back to make sure new spots haven't come up because I can't check myself. My boyfriend and his kids can't go outside and play with me because I have to wait for the sun to go down. I can't go with them to the zoo or to the park or to something fun outside because I'm supposed to have limited sun exposure. I hate when people disappoint me. But I really hate disappointing other people.

My doctor told me that as long as I'm careful, I can lead a pretty normal life. But what's normal about constantly fearing the sun and it's UV rays because it can lead to scars on my face, neck, and scalp? What's normal about being so afraid that I feel like I have no choice but to stay inside? What's normal about wearing sunscreen everyday? What's normal about taking vitamin D supplements because I'm not getting vitamin D from the sun? There's nothing normal with discoid lupus.

Things I Like/Dislike/Worry About for Today

Things I Like

1. Starting my day off with some sort of communication from my ASHM. Doesn't matter what it is, it still makes me smile to know that he took the time to send me something.
2. When I walked downstairs this morning, I saw on the kitchen counter that my mom had bought me a new lunch bag to keep my lunch in. I thought it was really nice of her.
3. Weekends that (even though they are stressful) work out okay.
4. Making plans with my ASHM to see him more than once this week. I feel like I haven't spent much time with him at all lately. So it'd be really nice to see him a little bit more.
5. Feeling like I'm making little accomplishments with the big things I need to do.
6. The new iPhone 4G! It looks like something I'd like to get.

Things I Dislike

1. When it's slow at work. It makes the day drag on.
2. Not being inspired to knit. I have projects I'd like to finish and I just don't have the energy to do so.
3. Not having enough energy! This weekend was tiresome and a little emotional and that always wears me out. And I haven't been able to get enough sleep no matter what I do.
4. Feeling like I am so alone with this disease. Discoid lupus is just no fun.
5. Having to ask for favors. I hate inconveniencing people even if I REALLY need the favor so I can do something I NEED to do.
6. Being bummed about the fact that my ASHM and I can't go to Ink 'N Iron this year like we had planned. There's just no one to watch the kids and we'd get back too late so we're having to cancel our plans. (Although thank god we didn't buy the tickets yet.)
   

Things I'm Scared of/Worry About

1. Making my bosses irritated with me.
2. Having my ASHM irritated at me.
3. Being seriously ill.
4. Gaining weight.
5. Disappointing people/having people disappoint me.
   

There Was A Time...

There was a time, especially in high school (as it is typical for all teenagers), when I used to try my hardest to fit in. Whether it be with the clothes I wore or how acted. I used to want to fit in with those cool punk kids with their piercings and mohawks and band tees. And instead I ended up being called a "poser" or being made fun of because I wasn't punk enough.

There was also a time when I was really into metal music and I studied up on all of the up and coming hardcore and screamo bands, just hoping that maybe I'd find a group to fit in with. I was enjoying the music, and enjoying the scene, but I never really fit in.

Now I've come into a place in my life that with all my knowledge of music (which has earned me the nickname of being a "music elitist" with my knowledge and opinions) that I have sort of grown out of listening to the punk, metal, and hardcore music I used to adore. I've come into a place in my life where I want something that speaks more to me, that reaches out to me, and carries me to a place of familiarity. And to a certain extent I think I've found it. I've (for lack of a better term) stumbled upon a "new" style of music for me with psychobilly, rockabilly, and horrorpunk. And I've found a culture that I absolutely adore.

Those pretty rockabilly girls with their up dos and perfectly done makeup. Those greaser boys with their straight legged jeans and slicked back hair. That music that sounds so familiar but so different all at the same time. It's like I've found a subculture that I can fully identify with. But there's just one hitch.


Take a look at me. I mean, really, do I look like the kind of girl that listens to psychobilly and rockabilly? I go home after work and often think 'You know, I bet I could do my hair like that and have my make-up look like those pretty rockabilly girls.' I love their style and their attitude but often I think that even if I did dress like those girls and even if I did my hair like them, I still wouldn't be fooling anyone. I often think that my efforts would be wasted and I'd just seem like one of those girls that is trying too hard to be accepted and too hard to fit in.

Lord knows for once I'd like to fit in. I really would. But at this point in my life I just don't know if it's worth it to go through the effort.

I know it sounds extremely dumb, but over the past couple of days I've kind of felt like I was fitting in. And I felt this way because of Twitter of all things. There are a couple of extremely wonderful twitterers that I follow who have made me feel like I'm just a psychobilly doll like the other girls. And I've actually really loved that feeling. I've loved people following me on Twitter because of the fact that I like psychobilly/rockabilly music. I've loved people asking my advice on music.

But I don't know who I'm trying to fool. Myself? Or everyone else because it's the Internet and it's not real life.

I've Been Severely Lacking In Posts...

I haven't been blogging at all. It just seems that it has been easier to write 140 characters for an update rather than to sit down and type my little heart out. I tried writing in my moleskine and that didn't work either. I haven't been able to keep up. I'm just too busy.

I really wanted things to work out with me and my blogs. I really, truly did. But I guess these sporadic updates will just have to do.

With that being said, I don't have much to report. The summer has come and gone and I've been living in San Diego for an entire year now. Not much is different. When I moved here, I had such high hopes and expectations for a new and exciting life. And, well, there's something left to be desired.

Things with my ASHM are wonderful. And things with work are okay. But I feel like I'm not getting everything that a normal 22 year old experiences. I feel like maybe I'm missing out. I don't know what I'm missing out on, but I feel it every once and awhile. I feel this little tugging at my chest that says "Hold on. You're growing up too fast. You're not getting what you need to out of life." And that's a really sucky feeling to have especially since I don't know what to do to fix it.

It seems like everyone around me is/had their early 20's experiences and I'm just trying to catch up. I just don't know what "normal" people do in their early 20's.

Diary of A "Single" Dad's Girlfriend Part I

My Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man, Orion (our rabbit), and I.

I'm the girlfriend of a "single" dad. I put "single" in quotes because he's not exactly married (as he's getting a divorce) and he's not exactly single (as he's dating me.) You don't really hear about the girlfriends of "single" dads too often. I mainly hear about single moms & their boyfriends. But what about us girlfriends? Where do we fit in? And why is it that when it comes up in conversation (that I am the girlfriend of a "single" dad) that most people just look at me like I was the one that broke up the marriage/relationship in the first place?

You know, it is hard enough trying to make a relationship work, but add into the mix little human beings? It is hardcore. Especially for me. Not only am I an only child (so I'm all about being selfish. Cough.), but I also have no idea what to do with kids. No idea at all.

The Kids

A little background history about the history of my relationship with my boyfriend and how I came into contact with these two little ones:

I moved to San Diego in October of 2008. My boyfriend (Roger, my Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man) and I met in late November of 2008. Our meeting wasn't conventional. We met over the Internet because I was looking to meet people in the area (all of our friends & family have heard our cover story of us meeting at a Starbucks randomly) and after chatting extensively through email for a few days, we decided to meet in person. The first night we met, I was joking around & told him that I had no idea about kids and I'd probably lock one in a closet because I'd be so frustrated. Only to find out that not only did he have one kid, but he had another one. That's right, count 'em, that's two. Open mouth. Insert foot.

So regardless of my faux-pas, My ASHM still kept talking to me, and about two weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend. Awesome. I was stoked (and still am.) Here was this Californian Boy who wanted to date me. Awkward, smokin' like a chimney, loud, punk/psychobilly listenin', dramatic, over-the-top me. I knew about his kids and told him that I had no idea what to do with kids, and he said that that was okay. And that when I was ready to meet them, I could. At that point in time the kids were still living with their mom, and My ASHM saw them a couple days a week.

Fast forward to March when I've hung out with them a couple times (only for a couple hours and I still have no idea what to do/say/not do/not say). That is when this post comes into play. And our relationship world turned upside down. The kids now live with My ASHM full time. Their mom has shown up in the past four months. But she is barely a part of their lives anymore. Which really sucks.

And where do I fit in?

Well, that's what I hope to explore in this series of blog posts. I'm planning on (with My ASHM's permission) writing about what it's like being the girlfriend of a "single" dad. Talking about the ups and the downs, the great parts and the not-so great parts, the things that make me smile and the things that really bum me out, and talking about the day-to-day things that go on with our lives together.

Hope you're down for the ride.

-Britt Vicious

I've Decided to Start Blogging Again

So, I've decided to start blogging again. Mainly because I feel like I use Twitter entirely too much and Tumblr too. I'm a little too old to use LiveJournal seriously so I turn to Blogger, because that just seems like the adult thing to do.

And why didn't I write for so long? Why is it that there is a four month break between this post and the last post? Because I just didn't know if I really wanted to write anymore. I didn't know whether this would be something I'd want to do or if I just wanted to delete everything I'd written and ignore that I had ever felt that way or I had ever been through that. Sometimes it's very easy for me to ignore things until they just pass over me. I'm too much like my bio-dad in that aspect.

Regardless. I guess I feel the need to update because there is just entirely too much going on in my life for me not to. Maybe if I start writing things out again I won't feel like the world is so overwhelming. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows.

Starlight, Starbright, First Star I See Tonight...

This morning started at 9AM with a phone call from My Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man's ex, telling him she just can't handle the kids anymore.
It carried off and on until 11:40.
Where she tried just dropping them off at his house while he wasn't there and he called her on it.
Driving past her, he realized what she was doing; her douche-bag boyfriend was following in a car behind her. He tried calling her cell, telling her he needed to get his car from my house in La Jolla which is easily a 40 minute trip.
Stupid whore just dropped the kids off at his house while he wasn't there.
Just left them.
And as much as he and I argue, as many problems we have, I would never ever have done that to him. It's completely dumb.
He can't get ahold of her. She's no where to be found.
And I just want to scream. I just want to yell and hunt her down and beat the shit out of her. Because there's no reason for her not to be reasonable. And instead, she's just being selfish.