Diary of A "Single" Dad's Girlfriend Part I

My Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man, Orion (our rabbit), and I.

I'm the girlfriend of a "single" dad. I put "single" in quotes because he's not exactly married (as he's getting a divorce) and he's not exactly single (as he's dating me.) You don't really hear about the girlfriends of "single" dads too often. I mainly hear about single moms & their boyfriends. But what about us girlfriends? Where do we fit in? And why is it that when it comes up in conversation (that I am the girlfriend of a "single" dad) that most people just look at me like I was the one that broke up the marriage/relationship in the first place?

You know, it is hard enough trying to make a relationship work, but add into the mix little human beings? It is hardcore. Especially for me. Not only am I an only child (so I'm all about being selfish. Cough.), but I also have no idea what to do with kids. No idea at all.

The Kids

A little background history about the history of my relationship with my boyfriend and how I came into contact with these two little ones:

I moved to San Diego in October of 2008. My boyfriend (Roger, my Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man) and I met in late November of 2008. Our meeting wasn't conventional. We met over the Internet because I was looking to meet people in the area (all of our friends & family have heard our cover story of us meeting at a Starbucks randomly) and after chatting extensively through email for a few days, we decided to meet in person. The first night we met, I was joking around & told him that I had no idea about kids and I'd probably lock one in a closet because I'd be so frustrated. Only to find out that not only did he have one kid, but he had another one. That's right, count 'em, that's two. Open mouth. Insert foot.

So regardless of my faux-pas, My ASHM still kept talking to me, and about two weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend. Awesome. I was stoked (and still am.) Here was this Californian Boy who wanted to date me. Awkward, smokin' like a chimney, loud, punk/psychobilly listenin', dramatic, over-the-top me. I knew about his kids and told him that I had no idea what to do with kids, and he said that that was okay. And that when I was ready to meet them, I could. At that point in time the kids were still living with their mom, and My ASHM saw them a couple days a week.

Fast forward to March when I've hung out with them a couple times (only for a couple hours and I still have no idea what to do/say/not do/not say). That is when this post comes into play. And our relationship world turned upside down. The kids now live with My ASHM full time. Their mom has shown up in the past four months. But she is barely a part of their lives anymore. Which really sucks.

And where do I fit in?

Well, that's what I hope to explore in this series of blog posts. I'm planning on (with My ASHM's permission) writing about what it's like being the girlfriend of a "single" dad. Talking about the ups and the downs, the great parts and the not-so great parts, the things that make me smile and the things that really bum me out, and talking about the day-to-day things that go on with our lives together.

Hope you're down for the ride.

-Britt Vicious

I've Decided to Start Blogging Again

So, I've decided to start blogging again. Mainly because I feel like I use Twitter entirely too much and Tumblr too. I'm a little too old to use LiveJournal seriously so I turn to Blogger, because that just seems like the adult thing to do.

And why didn't I write for so long? Why is it that there is a four month break between this post and the last post? Because I just didn't know if I really wanted to write anymore. I didn't know whether this would be something I'd want to do or if I just wanted to delete everything I'd written and ignore that I had ever felt that way or I had ever been through that. Sometimes it's very easy for me to ignore things until they just pass over me. I'm too much like my bio-dad in that aspect.

Regardless. I guess I feel the need to update because there is just entirely too much going on in my life for me not to. Maybe if I start writing things out again I won't feel like the world is so overwhelming. Maybe. Maybe not. Who knows.

Starlight, Starbright, First Star I See Tonight...

This morning started at 9AM with a phone call from My Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man's ex, telling him she just can't handle the kids anymore.
It carried off and on until 11:40.
Where she tried just dropping them off at his house while he wasn't there and he called her on it.
Driving past her, he realized what she was doing; her douche-bag boyfriend was following in a car behind her. He tried calling her cell, telling her he needed to get his car from my house in La Jolla which is easily a 40 minute trip.
Stupid whore just dropped the kids off at his house while he wasn't there.
Just left them.
And as much as he and I argue, as many problems we have, I would never ever have done that to him. It's completely dumb.
He can't get ahold of her. She's no where to be found.
And I just want to scream. I just want to yell and hunt her down and beat the shit out of her. Because there's no reason for her not to be reasonable. And instead, she's just being selfish.

Personality, Feelings and Emotions

• How many physical fights have you been in? Do you usually start them? Why do you fight?
• Are you chirpy in the morning or are you a grouch?
• How do you typically handle trauma from a big loss, whether it is from the death of a loved one, getting fired or some other big disappiontment?
• Do you enjoy debating others?
• What are your thoughts on crying?

Favourites

• Do you remember what your favourite childhood books were?
• What is your favourite time of day?
• Do you have a favourite movie? Actor? Actress? Comedy? Drama?

Pets

• Are you allergic to animals? If your fiance was allergic to your pets, would you be willing to give them away to a good home?
• Are there any types of pets you refuse to live with (snakes, rats, stray dogs, etc.)?
• Do you feed your pets food off of your plate? How do you feel about that practice?

Attractions

• If you had problems with my personal hygiene, would you be able to tell me?
• What physical or personality trait do you think makes people first attracted to you?
• How do you feel about permanent tattoos? Why do you think most people get them?
• In what ways are you smart?
• What do you find attractive about my physical features? Is there a favourite?
• Do you fear looking older?

Health, Food and Wellbeing

• Have you ever had serious thoughts about committing suicide? What are your thoughts about those who kill themselves?
• When, if ever, was the first time you smoked a cigarette? Why did you try it? How long did you smoke? If you still smoke, have you ever seriously tried to quit?
• Are you a coupon collector? Do you sometimes get fanatical about saving money on groceries?

It's Times Like These

I might just be sick.
After all the stuff I've been through this past week with getting my finger cut & having to go to the hospital, getting a new bunny, getting my monthly, having a rough time at work... It's been a rough week. And I thought that this weekend would just brighten me up. That hanging out with Roger would make me feel excellent and more aligned.
I found out yesterday that he'd been smoking even though I thought we had an understanding that because his smoking makes me uncomfortable, that he'd talk to me about it first.
And then today I did the most stupid thing ever. I looked at his history on his computer.

We'd had a conversation a couple months ago about how it makes me feel awful when I know that he looks at porn. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough and it makes me sick to my stomach. He said if it made me uncomfortable and feel that awful that he wouldn't look at them anymore.

I looked at his history, and while it's not page after page of porn sites, there are a couple entries that make my stomach turn and make me want to hurl. I feel awful and feel like I'm not good enough and that I need to lose twenty pounds or more just to be something for him. It actually makes me so upset that I want to cry.

Goddamn I've been so emotional lately it makes me sick.

What happened to the vicious girl with fire in her eyes and a sharp tongue that could cut down anyone. Someone who didn't give a fuck and just ran with it, no matter what...

I feel less than adequate. I want him to love me and cherish me and it doesn't really seem like that is the case, no matter how hard I try. I mean, I know he loves me; he's taking care of Orion for fuck's sake. I just feel like I'm a bother and that I'm not making him happy and that he's growing sick of me and the way I do things.

I've got nothing to hide. If he finds this blog then it's not going to bother me. Only Orchid knows about this and I doubt she even reads it.

But dear god I wish I could get this pit out of my stomach and this lump out of my throat and I wish more than anything that I didn't feel so lied to... even though it was my own fault that I looked in his history anyway.

I deserve it.

I guess maybe I just try too hard and I'm a push over. Even though I never used to be that way. And Roger gets away with murder, even though he may not realize it. What boyfriend shows up an hour and a half late and thinks it's okay?

How am I going to face him for the rest of the day knowing that I'm not some skinny model bitch that he jerks off to when I'm not around? How am I going to face him with my face breaking out and wearing no make up and just being me? God, I feel sick to my stomach and I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than it really should be but he just seems so bored with me... so bored with everything. And it's like there's nothing I can do to make him happy.

"You don't see me at all."

Tell Me Life is Beautiful

Today, my Absolutely-Stellar-Hero-Man and I are adopting a bunny together.
I am so excited, I just might burst.
His name is Skip, but we might rename him to something else if he doesn't respond to that.
It's a big step for my boyfriend and I to get a pet together. And I'm so excited to have a new pet in my life. I've never owned a rabbit before, and I'm just so excited, I can't help but post about him everywhere.

He will be my little snuggle bunny.

Collin

I have a friend named Collin.
Collin and I have known each other since 2006.
We met through both of us working for Tower Records.
Collin now lives in Belgium.
He made me a cupcake and saved it in a jar for me.
The cupcake has now started to mold.