It's Times Like These

I might just be sick.
After all the stuff I've been through this past week with getting my finger cut & having to go to the hospital, getting a new bunny, getting my monthly, having a rough time at work... It's been a rough week. And I thought that this weekend would just brighten me up. That hanging out with Roger would make me feel excellent and more aligned.
I found out yesterday that he'd been smoking even though I thought we had an understanding that because his smoking makes me uncomfortable, that he'd talk to me about it first.
And then today I did the most stupid thing ever. I looked at his history on his computer.

We'd had a conversation a couple months ago about how it makes me feel awful when I know that he looks at porn. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough and it makes me sick to my stomach. He said if it made me uncomfortable and feel that awful that he wouldn't look at them anymore.

I looked at his history, and while it's not page after page of porn sites, there are a couple entries that make my stomach turn and make me want to hurl. I feel awful and feel like I'm not good enough and that I need to lose twenty pounds or more just to be something for him. It actually makes me so upset that I want to cry.

Goddamn I've been so emotional lately it makes me sick.

What happened to the vicious girl with fire in her eyes and a sharp tongue that could cut down anyone. Someone who didn't give a fuck and just ran with it, no matter what...

I feel less than adequate. I want him to love me and cherish me and it doesn't really seem like that is the case, no matter how hard I try. I mean, I know he loves me; he's taking care of Orion for fuck's sake. I just feel like I'm a bother and that I'm not making him happy and that he's growing sick of me and the way I do things.

I've got nothing to hide. If he finds this blog then it's not going to bother me. Only Orchid knows about this and I doubt she even reads it.

But dear god I wish I could get this pit out of my stomach and this lump out of my throat and I wish more than anything that I didn't feel so lied to... even though it was my own fault that I looked in his history anyway.

I deserve it.

I guess maybe I just try too hard and I'm a push over. Even though I never used to be that way. And Roger gets away with murder, even though he may not realize it. What boyfriend shows up an hour and a half late and thinks it's okay?

How am I going to face him for the rest of the day knowing that I'm not some skinny model bitch that he jerks off to when I'm not around? How am I going to face him with my face breaking out and wearing no make up and just being me? God, I feel sick to my stomach and I'm probably making a bigger deal out of this than it really should be but he just seems so bored with me... so bored with everything. And it's like there's nothing I can do to make him happy.

"You don't see me at all."